If you didn't know this, well, I'm getting married. I'll stop for the appreciative applause. Thank you. So, we've been trying to figure out where to actually hold the wedding. The good news is that I was able to narrow it down by figuring out the five places I don't want to hold the wedding:
5. Afghanistan - A lot of political upheaval going on in this place. Also, no good DJ's.
4. The Sun - I have a pale complexion and burn easily. The sun wouldn't be good for my skin. Also, lack of solid catering halls.
3. My High School Bedroom - The home of just about all my greatest disappointments. Don't want to jinx the wedding by putting it there.
2. A Ballroom Filled with the Living Dead - The living dead make awful wedding guests. They eat all the food (and friends and family) and don't even bother bringing a gift.
1. Sue Funke's Apartment - May be a scam. She wants a 125 guest commitment, but the place only fits six.
If you want to following the exciting action of Arthur and Andrea's pending nuptials, then check out our blog: andreaarthurwedding.blogspot.com. We've got a year to go, and man, is there a lot to figure out.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Top 5 DVD Director's Commentary I Want to Hear
One of the most interesting and least viewed segments on any DVD is the director's commentary. Unless you are a film major, there is nothing too interesting in hearing the director talk about how he shot the scene, or came up with yet another crane shot. Or how awesome it was to work with a certain actor. But that doesn't mean that there aren't things I would love to hear in a director's commentary. I listen to them only because one day, I want to hear one of the following things:
5. "I did this sequel to answer all the unanswered questions raised in 'American Pie Presents Band Camp.'"
4. "I should've gone to law school."
3. "The producers gave me $30 million to bring this movie to life. And, as you can see from this scene, I spent it all on cocaine."
2. "You should've waited to buy this. The Extended Director's Cut comes out next week."
1. "This is where I told Dane Cook to really get into the meat and heart of this character, to find his depth and range. Show off his inner humanity and emerging affection for her. And here is where he completely ignores me."
5. "I did this sequel to answer all the unanswered questions raised in 'American Pie Presents Band Camp.'"
4. "I should've gone to law school."
3. "The producers gave me $30 million to bring this movie to life. And, as you can see from this scene, I spent it all on cocaine."
2. "You should've waited to buy this. The Extended Director's Cut comes out next week."
1. "This is where I told Dane Cook to really get into the meat and heart of this character, to find his depth and range. Show off his inner humanity and emerging affection for her. And here is where he completely ignores me."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Top 5 Ways to Stimulate the American Economy
We are in an economic downturn. At least that's what the news is telling me. I've been in an economic downturn since birth so I've yet to notice the difference. I spent a couple of days doing diligent research to help those suffering during these times of recession.
5. Learn from the past - The thing that got us out of a depression many years ago was our involvement in World War II. We can do the same thing now. We just need to get Germany to start some shit.
4. Put Alaska Up on Ebay - I'm sure we can get someone to buy it. And it would make Sarah Palin no longer an American citizen, but a citizen of pinklady75.
3. All Candidates Should Have the Following Campaign Slogan - "America Needs Change. Really, a quarter, a dime, whatever you can spare. Don't pretend I'm not here. I won't use it on booze. God bless you."
2. Bake Sale - At least we would be in the Guiness Book of World Records for world's largest folding table.
1. All Americans Should Release a Sex Tape - It helped Screech out, why not us.
5. Learn from the past - The thing that got us out of a depression many years ago was our involvement in World War II. We can do the same thing now. We just need to get Germany to start some shit.
4. Put Alaska Up on Ebay - I'm sure we can get someone to buy it. And it would make Sarah Palin no longer an American citizen, but a citizen of pinklady75.
3. All Candidates Should Have the Following Campaign Slogan - "America Needs Change. Really, a quarter, a dime, whatever you can spare. Don't pretend I'm not here. I won't use it on booze. God bless you."
2. Bake Sale - At least we would be in the Guiness Book of World Records for world's largest folding table.
1. All Americans Should Release a Sex Tape - It helped Screech out, why not us.
Top 5 Things I'd Like to Do to Sarah Palin
5. (censored)
4. (censored)
3. (censored)
2. Take her to a Mets game.
1. (censored)
4. (censored)
3. (censored)
2. Take her to a Mets game.
1. (censored)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Top Five Lesser Known Bankruptcies
In honor of Lehman Brothers filing for bankruptcy as well as other financial collapses going down, I feel it is my duty to inform you are five lesser known bankruptcies that you could file.
5. Chapter 82 - Exclusive for Mets season ticket holders.
4. Chapter 75 - Exclusive for people who bought an iPhone on the day it came out.
3. Chapter 69 - Not a bankruptcy really. It just makes the treasury department giggle.
2. Chapter Square Root of Negative One - Designed for imaginary characters, such as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Jimmy Carter.
1. Chapter 105 - Actually a moral bankruptcy reserved for the 23% who still approve of George W. Bush (Hint to those 23%: I wouldn't have to make this list if he was doing a good job.)
5. Chapter 82 - Exclusive for Mets season ticket holders.
4. Chapter 75 - Exclusive for people who bought an iPhone on the day it came out.
3. Chapter 69 - Not a bankruptcy really. It just makes the treasury department giggle.
2. Chapter Square Root of Negative One - Designed for imaginary characters, such as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Jimmy Carter.
1. Chapter 105 - Actually a moral bankruptcy reserved for the 23% who still approve of George W. Bush (Hint to those 23%: I wouldn't have to make this list if he was doing a good job.)
Top Five Reasons to do a Top Five List
I have decided to compose a popular thing we see in blogs and articles. The amazing top five list. I will make every attempt to do a weekly top 5 list. Next week, I will do the top 5 excuses to not be writing. But today, I wanted to try something a little meta. So, I give you:
THE TOP 5 REASONS TO DO A TOP 5 LIST
5. They're easy - There's not a whole lot of actual writing that needs to be done. You are not constrained by complicated story structure or formulas or even journalistic integrity. Also, no research needed. You just give out your opinion on a subject you should know a little something about. I mean, if you want to do top five best lacrosse players, but did not even know the sport used sticks, then you got some time to spend on Wikipedia. Not me.
4. They create emotional response from readers - Opinions are like assholes. Well, you know how that goes. And when you give out your opinion, well you are going to get those to agree. You'll get a comment or two. If you say something that someone disagrees with, well, expect a crapload of comments and a few possible death threats. But either way, you got a response, and that's the best feeling after writing something. I can't wait for all the posts I'll get telling me how this one should've been ranked a lot higher or how "it makes you feel powerful" wasn't even up there.
3. They're fun to do - They can be fun and easy read. They also are a lot of fun to write. One of the great joys in life is judging things and then ranking them. If you don't think so, well then I think you are a jerk and therefore put you on my list of ten biggest jerks. Whoa, that was fun. You should try it, jerk.
2. Everybody's doing it - USA Today, websites, even VH-1 "documentaries" all have top lists. I know, if everyone was jumping off a bridge, would you do it. Most likely. Especially if it's fun, easy, and can be made into a top five list.
1. The world needs things to be listed in order using ordinal numbers. - Yes, that's it. We need order in the world. I know it sounds like a cop out. And pretty much it is. The number 1's on a lot of lists tend to be complete cop outs or way too obvious. That's why the number 2's through 5's are more interesting to read. And that doesn't seem fair. But the world isn't fair, and therefore needs ordered lists to balance that out. It's also number one of my top five things I am kind of surprised I wrote.
Tune in next week for another top 5 list.
THE TOP 5 REASONS TO DO A TOP 5 LIST
5. They're easy - There's not a whole lot of actual writing that needs to be done. You are not constrained by complicated story structure or formulas or even journalistic integrity. Also, no research needed. You just give out your opinion on a subject you should know a little something about. I mean, if you want to do top five best lacrosse players, but did not even know the sport used sticks, then you got some time to spend on Wikipedia. Not me.
4. They create emotional response from readers - Opinions are like assholes. Well, you know how that goes. And when you give out your opinion, well you are going to get those to agree. You'll get a comment or two. If you say something that someone disagrees with, well, expect a crapload of comments and a few possible death threats. But either way, you got a response, and that's the best feeling after writing something. I can't wait for all the posts I'll get telling me how this one should've been ranked a lot higher or how "it makes you feel powerful" wasn't even up there.
3. They're fun to do - They can be fun and easy read. They also are a lot of fun to write. One of the great joys in life is judging things and then ranking them. If you don't think so, well then I think you are a jerk and therefore put you on my list of ten biggest jerks. Whoa, that was fun. You should try it, jerk.
2. Everybody's doing it - USA Today, websites, even VH-1 "documentaries" all have top lists. I know, if everyone was jumping off a bridge, would you do it. Most likely. Especially if it's fun, easy, and can be made into a top five list.
1. The world needs things to be listed in order using ordinal numbers. - Yes, that's it. We need order in the world. I know it sounds like a cop out. And pretty much it is. The number 1's on a lot of lists tend to be complete cop outs or way too obvious. That's why the number 2's through 5's are more interesting to read. And that doesn't seem fair. But the world isn't fair, and therefore needs ordered lists to balance that out. It's also number one of my top five things I am kind of surprised I wrote.
Tune in next week for another top 5 list.
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